I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
