Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
