Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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