i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
