Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
