i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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