Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Farmville is her only friend.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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