Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
