There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
