I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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