and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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