I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
