he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
