you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
