im six kinds of drunk right now
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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