just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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