Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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