There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
