HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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