Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
