How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
