How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
