just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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