the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
