Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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