I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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