I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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