Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
