I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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