We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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