when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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