The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm at about main and main street
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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