God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He did a backflip because drugs
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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