i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
