I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
