The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
