I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
