I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
