The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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