my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
