Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
