I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
