I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Randomize
