Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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