just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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