Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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