1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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