my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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