My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Randomize
