my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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