I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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