I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
