you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
